Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry about my life...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
