Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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