It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
