Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
