So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
