You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize