i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
