chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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