Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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