Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
