I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
