Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
