I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
