If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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