Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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