She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
