i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
