life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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