My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
