when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
