i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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