You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
