im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize