If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
