Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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