On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
