Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
even my farts smell like vagina
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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