i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
