You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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