I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
