Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
