Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
