someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you win again, gameday.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
