fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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