peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
