I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
