Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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