Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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