She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
