Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
