If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
