My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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