Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
