Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
