you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just pee around me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
