my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
