Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
