Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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