i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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