I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
