when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize