I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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