You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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