hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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