My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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