atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
