Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
