Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
