o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
