I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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